ik i'm just like, shit at it, but making friends online feels so impossible. like, i've got my friends. maybe i've got an above average amount idrk. but i think i've made like, 3 or 4 naturally. the rest i coopted after one of my other friends made them. like i am incapable of putting in the effort to keep dms going with people and i'm not really worth the effort of them keeping it going so every person i meet and add on discord falls into two categories. talked for a day and now we don't at all or we occasionally send each other animal pictures or memes or some shit. literally like, the day after my last post, somebody added my discord off duolicious (i'm assuming me checking into it like, resent notifications for my dms or something) and we talked and it was nice but i immediately fumbled and all in all it just made me feel worse about the little time i wasted trying to use duolicious lol. idk i know it's just a skill issue but god i feel like poopy shit.

i need to get like, a girlfriend of boyfriend or somethign. but i don't go anywhere or do anything so it's like, my pools are 1.) someone i'm already friends with (not happening) 2.) someone i work with (no way) or 3.) dating apps (scary). i used duolicious for a little while but in like, the month or so of doing so i had 0 people reach out and only 1 response who ghosted me after like a week which sucked cause she was crazy good at doing pyro combos in tf2. idk i'm not like, entirely against trying again elsewhere but also i don't wanna feel like poopy shit again so idk. i've gotta find someone with similar interests cause if i were to ever bring someone home and they saw all my kickass model robots and weren't into that i feel like i'd be getting laughed out of my own room. but at the same time i don't wanna find some like, fringe dating site where it's like fuckin. "GamerDate(TM) The Dating App for Geeks and Nerds!" maybe i'm a little bit of a hypocrite but i feel like i'd be stooping a little if i tried that. like i want normal losers not baby yoda losers. i can have my fun single ig i'm not like, fiending for a relationship. but also making out with someone would go so hard atm so i could go either way

i wholeheartedly believe every human being on the planet is worth something because they are alive which makes them important and special however this contradicts my belief that i am nothing more than a thing put on the planet by some fucked up malicious deity who just wanted to see what would happen if they made nothing into a living thing. i was feeling so shit at work today and i was like "oh well i guess i have things to blog about later" and now that i'm home i'm like. man, i don't wanna type half of this out lmao. don't want a repeat of yesterday jesus christ that's a lot of words. like ig boiled down i think i'm a bad person who wants more out of life despite everything i already have that i don't deserve and that kinda makes me worse. that's about it. there were more thoughts ofc i worked for 6 hours but that was like, the running theme of it i suppose. ok i'm done now hopefully more positivity soon yayyyyyyyy

work was a lil too slow tonight and as is often the case that led to self reflection (the evil kind) and i figured what better way to clear my mind than to shout out to the void (i've gotten dms from friends who actually do apparently check my blogs ily guys but it's easier to write when i pretend you don't exist for a bit
as stated in my about me i failed out of film school twice once was at a good school in my area the other was at a local community college. for the good school i was picked out of a pool of people who applied, idk how many but there were other people who got axed so i could be there, and it really really really really sucks that i wasted that opportunity just out of being a lazy dumbfuck. when it first happened i told myself "you know it sucks, but i wasn't acclimated to college yet i applied didn't thinking i'd get picked and maybe i should've gone to community college to be ready for it" and that was a kind of sound thought to have at the time but then i went to community college and literally went to like, the first week of classes before skipping almost everything. i would straight up get dropped off in the morning, mess around on my laptop and nap in the commons, go to a class maybe if i felt like it, then leave. like it's almost funny looking back. it's not but it almost is. idk if it's self sabotage or what but two years and thousands of dollars that would've been better spent burnt for warmth. looking back i'm pretty sure the only reason i was accepted into that first good program was because i went to a couple other programs, a senior year high school career course for film and a program a local tv station did that i went to for years and years beforehand. it was the reason i got into filmmaking and video editing and that sort of thing. twice a week, 5th grade through senior year of high school i did that shit. i loved it and i still look back fondly at it but it just kind of hurts to think about now so i sorta block it out. i spent 7 years loving tv and film and all that good shit and then the second i get sent out into the world to do it myself i fly straight into a window and die. not even. they sent me to fly away and i flew a couple feet, landed in traffic, and got hit by a car. then i got back up, flew an even shorter distance, and got hit again. but anyways as i said before i'm pretty sure doing those programs is the only reason i got in. i sent in like, maybe two or three short films i worked on in those and a screenplay i wrote in like an hour and that is not an impressive body of work at all. they definitely just saw those programs, had people who had been in there in the past who did well, and decided to take the gamble and lost on me. so yeah that's my fucked up evil backstory. now for my fucked up evil future. i've thought about going back to school, i find marine biology super fascinating and would love to study it, but with the fact that i went for something i spent 7 years of my life interested in and then completely ate dirt on it i just don't think i could in good conscious allow myself to do that again. i know how it'd go here and now and letting it happen just because there's a miniscule chance it's different is nothing more than irresponsible and stupid. so yeah, here i am locked into making below a living wage for eternity until i die dissapointed at an old age or have some sort of accident that liberates me early. idk maybe when i'm old enough to drink in april i can start clubbing and find some wealthy fuck whose type is sorta gross too masc enbies who can't give them anything to make me their failspouse. if that sounds like you my discord is on my page hmu. otherwise i'm cool with working the closing shift making pizza and living with my mom until something happens that forcibly ejects me from that path cause god knows i'm not mentally capable of getting off it myself.
so yeah that's my vent session disguised as a blog post hope you enjoyed remember to rate 5 stars. mostly unrelated but making another blog post just to say it later would be dumb but if it isn't apparent i've felt like shit lately and have only been feeling worse so i've been thikning about doing one of those dopamine fast thingies. i mean like i woudln't completely cut shit off i'd probably just uninstall discord twitter and steam for a while. there's no way i'm stopping my pokemon tcgp dailies and plants vs zombies ds playthrough. but yeah i might do that some time soon probably not for long cause i got a trip at the end of the month i'll have to communicate with people i talk to through discord for. or not. unless something happens i'll probably just keep saying i'm thinking about it and never do it. many such cases!

kind of phoning it in for the last of my guaranteed positive posts but also like. it's been a normal ass day and that's like its own kind of beautiful thing ig (and other gay shit). had a visit with my counselor that actually felt sort of productive. dropped off a bunch of bottles and cans and got 24 bucks from it so i got chinese food from a place across the street. played a new board game with my friends (ticket to ride, it's pretty fun if you like games that suck(kidding i did have a lot of fun with it)) and then we watched dragon ball daima which was p good even though the most dragon ball i've watched was z up to like right after ginyu force. drove my mom to pick up her car from the shop which made me feel very adult and powerful. gave just about the remainder of the money to an (assumedly) homeless lady. idk ik i shouldn't but like, 1 it's nice to help people, 2 i don't wanna use the ol "oh sorry i don't carry cash" if i'm carrying cash, 3 like you're not supposed to do that cause they might buy drugs with it right? tf is 5 dollars gonna get you? the lady did ask for a little more after i gave her some already and it was like look lady the rest is my sandwich money (i got a chicken finger sub yummy yummy) sorry. after that i drove to my dad's new place (context the vaguepost like 2 months back was about my parents getting divorced lol (not lol it sucks but also it's stupid to be sad about it cause like tf am i gonna do about it it's outta my hands ok this parenthesis is getting really long and this is a positive post stfu dude god)) to spend the night so i am writing this here from my dad's sick ass pullout couch we picked out last week. we watched the movie shallow hal earlier i'll probably write about that on the media thing later. but yeah fun day i enjoyed myself. can't wait to go back to complaining on here though like that's what blogs are for i am denying this page its purpose

oh yeah, it's optimismposting time. went to the mall with some friends today (two of whom have little buttons on my homepage smile you can figure out who those are yourself though fuck you sorry i don't mean it) and bought a ton of shit. as shown below in my hyperadvanced blog's superphotograph display. some cool shirts, fist of the north star volume one, dungeon meshi volume, one, and a cool asf jiji mug. hell yeah. i don't even really drink stuff that requires a mug but fuck it it's never too late to become a teacel. aside from cool ass anime shit i also got a philly cheesesteak and played pump it up. hell yeah. also saw a movie, ghost cat anzu, and that was like the whole point of the trip but i already wrote about it on the media page so i don't really wanna talk more about it here lol. but yeah sick ass day hell yeah

i hooked up the second monitor for a sec to get a picture for the last blog post and thought "oh wait i haven't looked at my site yet on 4:3 i wonder what it looks like and everything looked okay EXCEPT the blog. so now i'm faced with a dilemma. format the blog posts so they're really wide on 16:9 but look good on 4:3 or format the blog posts so they look good on 16:9 but are really thin on 4:3. i don't think they look that bad super wide on 16:9 so i might stick with that, that's what it's at as i'm writing this, but i'll test more when i get the true dual monitor setup going. i wouldn't call this post particularly positive or negative cause i'm just looking at a problem i have and pondering what to do about it so i will not count it towards my 2 more required positive posts. ok

been way too negative on here lately i think so i've decided that my next 3 blog posts must be good vibes only. just spreading tha love. first, yesterday (or 2 days ago i guess since i'm writing this at 4:40 am lol) i went out and thrifted a new monitor. tiny ancient 4:3 dell thingy. i had to buy a dvi splitter to use it as a second monitor so that's shipping from amerzon but fuck yeah. also while i was out i bought a new cable for my bass cause my old one miraculously stopped working out of nowhere. instrument store opened right next to the thrift shop recently so it was very convenient. i also bought one of those screw things that hold the shoulder straps cause when my friend gave me his old bass one was missing so i can actually use a strap now. fuck yeah. i can play standing. second order of business, minutes before typing this up i finished look back by tatsuki fujimoto (the movie not the mange) and hoooooooooooooooly fuck. i knew it was gonna get melancholic cause fujimoto but that was fucked. the ending's pretty hopeful though. i've wanted to make a page on this site for a while now where i write about games and movies and stuff that i play slash watch slash read slash experience (last one's probably the best word for all that but also it feels a bit overzealous lol) so maybe i'll do that soon. but yeah that's it. positive post 1 down. maybe i fucked up by hitting two positive topics in one go but meh. also i'll probably add images to this post in the future so there might be pictures under all this text but just know i did not add them now that was me of the future who went out of their way to fuck with the post to have images on it. good job me!

i need to be held real gang. that is all that i have for today.

i swear to god every nice keychain i buy ends up fucked for the sole reason that i keep my keys in my back pocket (the correct place to keep them) and idk what to do about it. like, i could not buy nice keychains but that's also dumb. i dropped 20 bucks on a potemkin charm a while back and it fucked but after a couple months of having it in my back pocket the bit that connects the charm to the chain got like, pryed open. and then one day i pull out my keys and notice it's just gone. like what the fuck!!!!!!!! it just came off the chain and fell out of my pocket somewhere and now it's gone forever. the milly thompson charm i bought at a con a while back is starting to have the same thing happen to it too and i'm worried. like what do you do there? i don't wanna keep my keys in a front pocket cause i already have those full usually. i don't wanna keep them in a jacket pocket cause what if i wanna take my jacket off? i could take it off my keys but then what's the point in even having it? we need to start making keychains out of like, titanium or something. lead keychain that never fucks up.

being a person sucks so hard dude what am i even doing lmao. ik nobody i know reads this but if for whatever reason you are, hey gang i'm nonbinary. welcome to the small group of people who know. gender fucking sucks dude just take all of mine away. like, unless i drop a trillion dollars on laser hair removal i'm always gonna have a hairy ass caveman thing going on and i'm too lazy to shave and too embarrassed to go into a store and buy nair or something. i kinda like the idea of estrogen cause like, i'm too yucky for it to make me look super feminine anyways. it'd probably just give me smoother skin a fatter ass and boobs. idk how big i am on the idea of boobs but i could just like, wear a binder if i decide tits suck. but thinking about it it's like, i don't wanna go to a doctor and be like "hey uhhhhh i'm not a girl or anything but i'm not a man either can you give me lady serum" and there's no way i'm ordering gray market estrogen as long as i'm living with my mom still. i don't think she'd like, react bad or anything to me being enby but idk it's weirs and not a convo i'm ready for yet. plus she might tell my dad and nuh uh no way. i love my dad but he's made a few too many "lol they/them how absurd" jokes so idrk if i'm comfortable yet with coming out to a guy who, as it stands, my identity would be a punchline to. idk i'm just kinda word vomiting rn. i'm typing this all out at work and i'm gonna post it later whem i get home lol. oh also i told my counselor and he gave me the faggot stare and that was kinda funny but also damn. he's an old dude so ig idk what i expected but yeah. he asked me if it was a sex thing which would've been really funny if he wasn't my counselor

i wanna start putting time into learning japanese again. idk what sparked that it's just been a while and i think it'd be fun to try again. it's tough though cause one, i suck at studying on my own time and putting a conscious effort into doing it, two, apparently duolingo is kind of ass at teaching the language so idk if i would want to bother doing that, and three, lessons are expensive as shit so i couldn't really do that to hit the middle ground between poor lessons and lessons i'd have to teach myself. idk. womp womp ig.

idk if i'm a pesimistic optimist or an optimistic pesimist. like i fucked up my life early and i'll never be able to be who i want to be or do what i want to do because i'm nothing and a coward who can't do anything right and the world is shit and everything's burning around me and there's nothing i can do cause it's all big companies at fault for everything but they refuse to change shit cause it makes them less money even though they'd still be making more than entire countries of people would see in their lifetimes but then like. on the other hand. trillions of years ago a fuck ton of rocks got smushed together in just the right spot around the sun and then all the right shit smashed into the rocks and a bunch of weird ass chemicals formed just right at the bottom of the ocean and billions of years later i won the great sperm race and now, at the end of the line of crazy bullshit that had to go just right, i am here writing shit nobody is gonna read on the internet. that's beautiful as shit and life is a gift that should not go unappreciated and i love the earth and almost everything on it. like come on dude pick a side. idk. me not coming out cause it's scary is maybe a little smaller than the beauty of the cosmos but it's also a lot more previlent in my life so who knows.

behold, the final model that i'll be building until i get a shelf or whatever. the temu zaku. i was watching the joel temu trash video and saw a gundam in there when he searched up robo cop and inspiration struck. will i regret it? yeah, probably. it'll be funny though. look forward to further comments on the trinkets page when i finish it

i don't really wanna talk specifics right now but i wanna blog about it to get the feelings out a little bit i guess. it doesn't feel real, like it hasn't set in that it's happening and is going to continue to be a thing in my life for like, ever now. at the same time i feel like i'm seriously underreacting. i don't know it'll probably sink in later but man. like on one hand it's out of my hands and there's no point in getting too upset about things that happen you can't control, but on the other it's like, i should seriously be face down sobbing in bed i think. idk. we'll see i guess.

i mentioned it in the last trinket entry i did but i'm gonna have to stop building gunpla for a bit because i don't have a lot of space. maybe i could put them on my desk but i'm worried i'll bump it or something and knock shit over. my bed is weird as shit and has like, basically shelf space on it but i toss and turn a lot and i don't wanna be responsible for knocking a model onto the floor and shattering it into a trillion pieces cause i sleep bad. buying a shelf is my best choice probably but my room is teeny tiny and idk where i'd manage to fit it. i should just be allowed to force infinite shit into one spot without consequence i think. this would be good for everyone.

i've been learning bass for a little while now (learning in big fucking quotations cause i'm dogass at it) and it's p fun sometimes. like even though i'm shit i just learned how to play lovefool by the cardigans and it's like.... woah....... some songs are just mega easy huh? it makes me feel a little less dookie knowing that even people who aren't dookie play some easy ass stuff sometimes. like the bassline for burning down the house by the talking heads is just the same thing over and over again for 4 minutes. if that's all it takes sometimes maybe i'll figure shit out

finally made a quick and shitty little adjustment so i can add images to these posts. yippeeee!!!!!!!! i'm gonna add pictures to the posts where i complain about how i want to add pictures but i'm not gonna edit the text cause that'd be kinda dumb. also i need to manually shrink them all which will probably get annoying but idc about that rn YEAHHHHHHHHHHH PICTURES WOOHOOOO I LOVE IMAGES

went to a con in rochester today, cool stuff. bought a couple pins and some stickers, a milly thompson trigun keychain, 85 dollar hatsune miku model kit (check trinkets smiles), you know, the con essentials. somebody set off the fire alarm which sucked but it got us outside and to the food trucks which was good at least. i never dreamed a cuban sandwich from a food truck would be good as fuck but here we are. i seriously need to format the blog for image posting cause i just realized showing off my con jacket would be sick. i got pictures with cosplayers which ehhh, idk if that'd be right to post cause i don't have their permission (also every picture with me in it shows off my giant fucking forehead so i'm good on that i think) but yeah. good con, i need to spend more money rn.

i need to make more of a habit of writing here or something. it's like, when i have things to write about i'm not in the mood to write, when i'm in the mood to write i don't have anything to write about. i went on vacation with some friends (two of whom being slimbingi and myrple check my home page they're there) and was like "oh man there's so much to write about and pictures i wanna post and yadda yadda" and then when i got home it was like, uhgghhhhh i don't wanna write and if i do pictures i'd need to fuck with the formatting to make them work in the main text boxes and that's a lotta work and ughhhghhhhghghhghhh so i never did. now, like 3 weeks later and after i've lost some of the finer details, i am in the mood to write. fucked up and evil. fun vacation though, we hiked, went to a water park, saw some movies in an old ass theater, went to an arcade that didn't suck donkey ass, a good time was had by all i think. maybe if i'm feeling like fucking with code again some time i'll make these boxes image friendly and update this one with some pictures. but anyways yeah, blogging is awesome but my disgusting chungus life shan't allow for it.

i wish consoles didn't completely fuck up the entire arcade industry in the usa. there are two half decent arcade options near me, one's super close but it's usually closed and the owner deals drugs and sells stolen shit, the other's a dave and busters half an hour away. the close one is alright cause it has emulators built into a few machines so it's just like, yeah it's got a ton of the stuff you can play on a cabinet. no rhythm games though and that's the main thing that would draw me to an arcade. the dave and busters has a pump it up machine and that's the only thing i really care about there. idk i wanna play taiko. save me don chan, save me

went to my grandma's today to do yard work for her. she has me go to her backyard and see if i can take down a tree growing along her fence that got tall enough for her to notice it out her kitchen window. some time between checking out the tree and opening her garage to get something to cut it down with it starts hammering rain, like that hard as fuck out of nowhere kind of rain. i grab a little hatchet from the garage (pretty much the only thing she had that could cut down a small tree like that) and hurry to the backyard to start cutting. the tree protects me from the rain, which picked up even more since i got underneath it. i still cut that shit down and then i got wet even though that little tree, as its last act of kindness, protected me from the rain. kinda fucked up!!!!!!! it should've been me tbh. that little tree should've used me to build a house or start a fire for warmth or something. i did that little fellow dirty.

i wanna get a flip phone i think. it'd be cool to simplify like that. not having access to twitter for most of my day is like, unarguably good. the issue is i do like 99% of my communication through discord so i'd have to start giving my number out or something. i'd been thinking for a little while it'd be cool to get like, a cd walkman for music since i've been getting into cds lately but that seems mega inconvenient now that i've thought about it. like a cassette walkman maybe would work for that sort of thing but cd ones need to be clunky just based off the fact that cds are big. maybe you can clip them to the waist of your pants idk. i've had an mp3 player for years now that i've never used though so that's probably a more normal way to do that. idk!!! what are modern flip phones even like? i haven't looked a ton into it this is just like a "sighhh wouldn't it be nice to have old technology smiles" type of thing i'll never act on but it'd be neat

i'm not gonna have a lot to put on here usually cause i don't have a lot of crazy shit to talk about or any interesting shit going on but i thought it would be a kinda neat thing to have lol. idk what else to put here cause it's just a "this exists now, cool!" post so that the first post on here isn't one of the test posts that got made while i was working on this. so yeah. blog. yippee!